When I was in the craziest shithole of my life, I got so filled with social anxiety.
I would go to family events and I couldn’t look people in the eyes.
I would go to the cash register to get the change, and if it was like an old woman telling me, ‘little boy, here’s your change’ then I would run away..
That’s how innately fearful I am because I wasn’t confident. I wasn’t designed to be an extrovert.
And in today’s video, I’ll be sharing with you guys how I got over social anxiety.
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I’m gonna share with you guys a story from my book.
This is the struggle that I dealt with, the struggle of social anxiety.
Many of you guys may be seeing me on YouTube or speaking on stage..
But my innate set point, my default sane is actually filled with social anxiety, a lot of introvertness and it actually took a lot of work.
It took a lot of hustle and grind to actually get myself out of my own head and into my heart, instead of just overthinking…
That I already have everything that I need to push forward to be good in a conversation, to say hi to that girl, to talk to that business partner, to be in intense high critical conversations and understanding that I have everything that I need to actually succeed.
That wasn’t always the case!
This is why I want to talk about this because I don’t care how successful you are. .
I don’t care how much money you make, if you don’t have this skill set of actually breaking through social anxiety and talking to the people that you want to talk to, what’s the point in life?
The only reason why we got into business, the only reason why we’re going to create something for ourselves was for several aspects such as:
- Location freedom
- Time freedom
- Financial freedom
- Physical freedom &
- Social freedom
And that is to be willing and able to have this income that’s coming in where you don’t actually have to follow the constraints of society, of your parents, of your family, and of the present marketplace conditions.
THE CONNECTION WE CRAVE FOR
If you have a business and it’s succeeding but you can’t even say hi to someone that you find attractive..
Or you can’t even go up to a networking event and network your way through and meeting the people that you need to bring them in your social circle, so you could actually level up your life. .
THEN WHAT’S THE POINT OF GETTING IN BUSINESS?
Seriously, the ONLY reason why we actually got into business and want to succeed, if you get it down to the most specific detail after you follow the trail of why’s..
Is because as human beings, we crave connection.
We crave human connection.
We crave love and connection and we crave creating this environment or this tribe where people around us support our thoughts and we support theirs.
It’s what is known as a Soul Tribe.
It wasn’t until I broke through my social anxiety did I actually find the ability, the time, and the possibility for me to find my soul tribe.
But this isn’t the entire story..
Because like I said in my previous blogs, I grew up in an immigrant family.
THE LITTLE BOX THAT I USED TO LIVE IN
For those that have an immigrant family that came from different parts of the world like me, I came from the Philippines all the way to America.
As you may know, there are certain rules that are put into you.
Not just from your family but from the entire social setting of you being an immigrant in America. What I mean by that is, you’re in this space of trying to make sure that you don’t disappoint your parents and the people around you.
So this entire time when I was younger, I’ve always had this little box that I had to live in, that I had to be in, and that I had to play safe.
Because my parents wanted me to live a better life than the immigrants from the Philippines coming here trying to start a new life.
REALIZING THE VALUE OF SEXUAL TRANSMUTATION
What happened was, I was able to get out of that box through lifting and actually pushing against resistance which was the initial form of self growth.
I started getting a better body shape which literally increased my self confidence and led to me having this super masculine animal.
I was super freakin heavy, too!
It got to the point where I was around 195 pounds.
But because of the fact that I started being in a long-term relationship, me as a human especially if you studied sexual transmutation in the video that I posted days ago…
I started losing my hunger.
I started losing my drive..
And what was super masculine turned into this needy little punk that instead of going on his purpose, instead of going on his mission, he just wanted to sit at home, eat pizza, and watch Netflix.
That entire time became my default, the succeeding three years where I started to slowly decline.
It’s like any relationship where you start going up to honeymoon stage and then it hits a point where both people or one party gets more comfortable than the other and it starts declining.
And what was once a passionate exciting relationship is now just like glorified roommates where you’re just sleeping in the same bed, maybe have sex every Tuesdays at 5 PM for like 30 minutes, and there’s no more excitement.
There’s no more passion.
And it got to the point where at the end when I just lost my drive as a man because I didn’t follow sexual transmutation.
That I wasn’t the man that I initially was when I first got attracted to her.
We stayed together for a long time, most of it because I think we were afraid of the unknown..
We were afraid of uncertainty since we were together for so long, and if we just uncouple and dissolve a relationship, I feared that it will literally destroy me.
It was also around the time when my business was going down.
It was around the time when I started not talking to any of my friends.
Because when it comes to my goals, I actually tend to become obsessive about it.
So when I’m on my journey, I literally just saw my girlfriend and nobody else. That was a crazy thing and that’s kind of the struggle when it comes to entrepreneurship.
Yeah, it’s amazing!
Yeah, you could build an amazing business.
But most of the times, it ruins everything else in your life.
Consider Elon Musk for example, who can’t keep a relationship.
He’s getting unhealthy and he’s just struggling to actually maintain his relationship with “human beings.”
(That’s what he’s up to when trying to get to Mars!)
But there’s a problem in the entrepreneurship space where we are forced to just hustle and grind and to tell everyone, ‘oh we could be happy, we could hang out when we actually become successful..”
That’s literally saying, you’re just allowing yourself to only be happy after you succeed.
But that’s not how life should be, right? Instead of ACHIEVING TO BE HAPPY, why don’t you just HAPPILY ACHIEVE?
I didn’t understand that.
I was filled by this anxiety..
CREATING WHO I WANT TO BECOME
And so when we uncoupled and my business went down, that’s when I was in this craziest shithole of my life.
I got so filled with social anxiety.
I would go to family events and I couldn’t be able to look at my aunt in the face. I wouldn’t be able to look people in the eyes.
I would go to the cash register to get the change, and if it was like an old woman telling me, ‘little boy, here’s your change’
I wouldn’t be able to look her in the eye and then I would run away..
That’s how innately fearful I am because like I said, I wasn’t confident.
I wasn’t an extrovert.
But what I did, I literally created who I want to become with my own mind with the power of my own thoughts.
I created this human being just like saying, ‘okay here universe, this is what I want,’ and then the universe literally started crafting and chiseling this person that you see today.
But I wasn’t always like that..
I remember when I was in my craziest version, I started drinking a lot. I started going out. I started reading all those pick-up books.
I was telling myself, ‘I have to figure my love life out’ and stuff like that because the business started going back up.
Remember how it went down and it failed, and I lost a relationship.
But then due to sexual transmutation, my focus level just went back up and we scaled from 0 to $1.5 million.
I was making the income that I was wanting my entire life.
And then I looked in the mirror and I asked myself, why am I unhappy?
And I realized it’s because the entire time of the grind, I never allowed myself to create meaningful relationships with people that I cared about, with passionate relationships, with lovers, and also with making sure that I fulfilled my hero’s journey, as a man, in my 20’s..
To be able to do all the things that I want to do, travel around the world, meet the people that I have always wanted to meet, and to have those amazing loving relationships, those passionate relationships that really excite you!
People think that all the money can’t buy happiness, and it’s so true. All money does is, it just expands your current personality.
So then, I was filled with so much anxiety.
I was sad and depressed.
On top of that, I was just so alone.
Now when I had more money, guess what?
It even increased my social anxiety, my depression, and the fear of being alone.
It happened when I was going out to the clubs and trying to work on my social skills. I remember walking out of the club in pure failure and being so damn sad.
I was telling myself, ‘what’s the point in making all this money when I don’t feel filled, when I just feel empty as a human being, when I don’t feel like I can meet someone that I could resonate and vibrate at the same wavelength with?’
THE SALES LETTER THAT CHANGED MY LIFE (i never shared this on public)
I remember when I was at that point of despair, of getting rejected everywhere, of having two friends and those two friends were amazing..
I’ve read this long sales letter and thought that this is it (and I’ve never said anything about this in public other than in the books, if you want to read the entire story you can get it in there)..
The entire sales letter was basically the opportunity to go to Vegas for 30 days where I would learn my social skills, where I learned my confident skills, where I would get really good at social interactions.
And what destroyed my anxiety was that immersion period of understanding that ‘okay this is a problem..’.
I can no longer focus on my obsession towards hitting my income goals.
And instead, I needed to craft the human being that’s more well-rounded in health, wealth, love, and happiness to work on my location freedom, to work on my financial freedom, my social freedom, and my physical freedom and being able to be healthy and mobile and to not die young.
So I went over there, I had just turned 21 at the time.
I’ve never been to Vegas before but for 30 days, I had to go out every single day sober talking to the sexiest people in the world that I was so in my head because I was so freaking afraid!
And also to find my way to network with the people that were spending around $10K to $50K in a single night and to work my way through those social networks.
Those 30 days were some of the most insane immersive experience in my life that got me the social skills to get to the next level.
If you ever want to succeed in anything, even though I’m super obsessive with my goals and it’s unhealthy, the best way to get good at a thing is to give yourself a timeframe of how obsessive you need to be to immerse yourself into the skill.
It’s the same when you’re building your business and living your life.
It’s kind of like you have four plates, namely, HEALTH, WEALTH , LOVE, and HAPPINESS.
You constantly got to spin all of those plates to try to keep them all up instead of it all falling!
Most of the time, when I focus on my business, my health and my relationships go down.
And if I focus on my health too much, everything else would go down as well.
This was the first time in my life where I started learning how to balance everything.
(If you want to hear the entire full story, those 30 days were insane. I talk a lot about it in this book, The Lazy Man’s Guide to Living the Good Life).
My LIMITING BELIEFS broke through the feeling of SCARCITY and literally broke through mySOCIAL ANXIETY.
Step #1 UNDERSTAND THAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT CREATING REFERENCE POINTS
What are reference points?
Think about life as a video game.
And the farther you get along in a video game and every single time you die, it’s just like a checkpoint.
So when you come back to life, you pass all the things that you’ve already done and you get back to where you just ended up.
Life is the exact same thing.
The more you go out there and get more reference experience, you talk to all the people that make you feel uncomfortable, you go out there, you start traveling, you have conversations with people that are maybe around 3 to 10 levels above you that make you feel uncomfortable..
The more you start realizing that ‘WOW! THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE A GAME!’
And the only reason why you feel uncomfortable is because you’ve never had these conversations before.
But like a video game, the more you do something over and over and over again, you start realizing that there are so many ways that they could tell you no on the phone.
There’s also so many ways you could get rejected by a girl..
There’s also so many ways that you have a conversation with someone that can go wrong.
AND THEN YOU START SEEING PATTERNS.
You have to be an idiot to not see the patterns especially if you start journaling.
If you relive every single day and you journal, and you create those reference experience as cheat sheets for what you have learned..
It’s almost as if you’re cheating the system because you’re just getting more reference experiences.
So for me, what I did to get more reference experiences in those 30 days was HAVING THE WILLINGNESS TO FAIL MORE.
When people are like, ‘oh talk to that girl that’s like making out with that guy..’
I would usually say, ‘man, that’s really scary!’
But then someone would push me there and then it turned out that was able to survive it.
I remember there was this big table of like NFL players, huge guys, and they’re like ‘okay go into that table and find a way to work your way into that social setting and just make friends with the guy that owns a table’.
As usual, I resisted, but then I got pushed again.
Now what I started realizing in those thirty days at every single day while having conversations with people was..
Everyone is like in this autopilot where the conversations are like you guys have been through it before.
It’s like this lower vibrational hum where no one is really talking heart to heart and it’s not actually real conversation.
But if you’re willing to push yourself and see how uncomfortable you can get, how many times you can get a no instead of trying to succeed, DO IT.
THAT IS HOW YOU START GETTING ALL THE REFERENCE EXPERIENCES.
For me, the reason why I’m able to succeed in multiple different aspects of my life isn’t because I’m special.
It’s not because I’m cool.
It’s because I failed more than most people.
I’ve just been in one situation thousands of times that I know every single possible response on what to do when I talk to someone that I’m attracted to, or talk to a business partner, or talk to someone that I haven’t met yet.
I already know how can I actually have the charisma and the confidence to not only win their friendship but also to help influence them to make the right decisions and to take their life to the next level.
And that’s because I’ve been working hard to gain reference experiences.
Literally, every single day, I would ask myself how uncomfortable I can get in business.
I keep asking myself what is something that I could do that’s super risky especially when you’re in your 20’s.
It’s like what Gary Vaynerchuk always say, how you need to do the highest risk things in your 20’s before you start a family.
It’s so that when you’re at the end of your life, you’ll realize that you’ve done things that you could actually do to reach your full potential.
Then when you die, the person that you could have become and the person you became are actually the same.
Step #2 BE WILLING TO FAIL
Everyone wants to be successful.
Everyone wants to make a 6 to 8 figure business right off the bat..
But no one understands that to be successful, you need to have good judgment.
How can you have a good judgment? Through experience.
Well, how is the experience created?
Experience is created through bad judgment.
Meaning, every master was once a disaster.
And for you to succeed, you have to first suck. It’s okay to suck in the beginning.
But at the end of the day, you’re gonna keep on doing it and then you’re gonna suck less.
You’re gonna suck less until you suck so little after working on your craft every single day..
Until one day, you’ll do good.
The problem with most people is, they don’t pay their dues.
They’re too afraid to lose the money when little do they know that every failure is just an opportunity for a reference experience.
If you look at people that are 50 to 70 years old and they seem so wise..
Let me tell you this..
You don’t necessarily have to be old to be wise!
The only reason why they’re wise is because they’ve been around for seventy years that they have 70 years of failure, 70 years of bad judgment, and 70 years of negative experience.
But if you could immerse yourself and say ‘okay for this 30 to 90 days or 1 to 5 years, I don’t care how many times I fail. This is gonna be my learning phase.’
Then you’re gonna be able to just run circles around your competition.
Because what your competition’s focus is on being perfect, making sure everything is good, all the details are perfect, but you. .
YOU’RE FOCUSING ON NONE OF THAT.
You’re focusing on the long-term game.
You’re focusing on getting as many reference experiences to when the time comes when you’re 30 to 50 years old, you’re like ‘I know exactly what to do when this person says this. I know exactly what to do when this business idea works. I know exactly what to do when this person stabs me behind my back’ because of the fact that you learn through your own failures.
Step #3 REALIZE THAT PEOPLE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR INSECURITIES
Guys, understand this: Every single person is too wrapped up in their own thoughts.
Too wrapped up that they don’t actually care about your own insecurities!
That was the biggest freaking realization for me.
I’ve been having thoughts in the past like, ‘oh man, what do people think? What if I talk to that person and I get judged? What if I start this business and I fail?’
But guess what?
People around you are so wrapped up in their own story and of their own brain to actually have time to judge you.
While you’re focused on judging yourself and being insecure, they’re focusing on judging themselves and being insecure.
Because no one is perfect, YOU AND I HAVE INSECURITIES.
There are times in my life that I just feel lost, scared, and I still don’t know the answers.
I still don’t know all the answers.
I’m still just figuring it out.
The only reason that separates me and you is, I HAVE MORE REFERENCE EXPERIENCES.
Now here’s what’s powerful..
When you realize that life and everyone else around you is filled with all their own insecurities, YOU WILL ESCAPE THE MATRIX.
Seriously, try this out..
Go out sober for the first time and look around.
You’ll see everyone else just kind of like in this unconscious funk..
Just trying to drink their sorrows away, and trying to use alcohol to have a conversation with human beings, when us as humans, that’s what we were designed for: human connection.
Yet it’s crazy!
(What happened with society and the way we were brought up and social media, is we kind of forgot what the initial skill was actually to make us human, and that’s human connection.)
Now, when you realize that everyone else is just scared and everyone else doesn’t know what they’re doing, you might say, ‘man, life isn’t that complicated’.
Guys, you gotta stop taking things so seriously!
Like I said, life is just a game.
Life is just a dance.
And life by the way, is just what you make it!
The moment you realize everyone else has no idea what they’re doing and we’re all just trying to figure it out because we’re literally just on this giant spaceship called Earth, just hurling thousands of miles through space..
You will realize just how small we are and think, ‘man, we’re on this earth for so little, why do we have social anxiety?’
Now you’ll realize and think to yourself, ‘holy crap! none of this actually matters to be honest. We’re still all gonna die’
And while we’re alive, we might as well do everything we can to actually truly, fully live!
I hope that helps guys!
I’ll see you on my next blog.
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